This journal will be forever moved to genitian

I realized that my father is not a happy individual.....and in a major reason its kind of sad. Most of the family have seen it so many times, we just stopped saying it. He isnt happy with any aspect of his life, he's insecure as all freaking gettout, and he just.... does not know how to lighten up and try to relax and enjoy life, you know? He's one of those individuals who just cannot find a happy medium and stick through life. He has to take it out on the rest of the family -- and nine times out of ten, he has to take it out on me, and i know that a good majority of it is because he cant take the fact that i'm a grown adult, but the fact of the matter is that it isnt fair that he takes it out on his children.


Like i got into a discussion with my aunt today in the house while i was in between laying out in the sun to get some color in my skin since it was absoultely fucking GORGEOUS outside. I told her about what my father said to me a long time ago specifying he knew what sexual perference i was, and spoke POORLY of me with that. But then when i had the specifications of hinting that i liked opposite what i thought, every single word out of his mouth was a racial sexist comment. My Aunt summed it up best with the fact i should have said, "Whatdya want dad? I just cant win with you." -- and its true, i just cant win with that dork. He doesnt make things any easier on me with what he wants. He's more prone to his son then he is with his daughter.

And i think he misses having his son around, which is another reason why he wants to move back up north. he has this delusion of grandeur that he'll move back up there. I'm sorry to say that its fucking bullshit. Im tired of him saying all this stuff that he's going to do this and that, when in all actuality he cant take full on responsibility for his actions, and loves to blow it up into huge massive porportions and hide behind racial slurs and comments while trying to make himself seem like the supreme being, when he's just the retarded asshole (as a person, i still semi respect him as my father, I was raised for that). Its just really really sad, and the family doesnt see through his bitching phase. they just keep going on with what they do and we all try to tune it out, though i admit sometimes its harder then others.

And speaking of his son, i'm afraid my brother might be on the road to being an alcoholic. The only time i havent heard of him drinking all the time, is when he isnt with Gina. It's the one thing to make me stare at what happens when youre in love, and the dangers it can have, granted, its the fact that its the people he's around too....but what can you do. He doesnt come to me, because he was raised in a house with a role figure like my fucking father, to not show emotion, and not trust anyone (especially your own family). I've tried to reach out the invitation of family as being the best big sister as i can be by offering the chance if he needs to talk, that i'm here for him, but its the only thing i get. I know he wont trust me at all, but i can at least continue to be there for him as best as i can. he's had his moments of being a brother to me, like when dad had a shit fit about the beer on the rug and erik made me sit down and watch Jackass two with him. It was his way of breaking the ice slightly telling me to ignore what dad was doing.


We're all also worried on grandma. At least my aunt is going to stay another week, but we're going to be cracking down on her. She's putzing around and not putting in alot of effort and using the crutch of "not feeling well" as an excuse to not do her exercises and all sorts of other things. Well you know what? The more she doesnt move her legs, the more she starts to let her body go weaker and the sooner and quicker she'll deteriorate. Its ridiculous, and i know the family is quickly seeing it. My uncle is trying to set the ground rules right now, but it'll be up to me to try and get ehr to do more to keep working on it. I Dont want to see her deteriorate to Aunt Harriett's mode of doing things, but so many things happening is just hinting to that, and it scares me, because it would be sooner rather then later that she leaves this world.

You know something, on a more personal level, I Realized that being who I am, is no problem. I dont have to put a surname in front of mine, or try to call myself something different. I mean, what's wrong with the name Lise? Nothing Really. Granted sometimes i can be totally off the wall like Bam Margera, or as goofy as Jonny Lee Miller, or as stubborn and pig headed as Hidaka, or as a pain in the ass like Jaden, or any of the characters that i sometimes tend to associate with -- but its just because part of myself i can see in the character: not me trying to BE the character. I mean, what's wrong with any of us? We all have our quirks and our demeanors with how we handle our own lives. We live, we breathe, we crush, we fall in love (or lust mind you) -- and we just keep on moving to find the reason why were needed in the big picture.

Especially when it comes to the beauty in something so simple. Mom came in my room and handed me this snail shell -- and it was just so incredibly adorable, i was kind of amazed by it. Something so simplistic, has its uniqueness about it -- it was kind of fitting with a little bit of how my mind has been thinking lately. So i put it on my dresser for right now, and i find myself looking at it now and again.

A while ago, I got a few comments on here from some people who were thanking me for things that i was doing, or making it known that my persona and who I was was something that they treasured. One person was thanking me for being there for them when they were going through a major breakup.....and another person just missed talking to me on the phone and said they felt lonely. I honestly didnt think i had such a huge impact on peoples lives, and you know what? It's kind of nice to be reminded that we're needed in life. It gives us another reason to remember that we are here for a purpose and we will be around to help people in the long run. And its reaffirmed my need and want to be there for my friends, and think about those that dont want anything to do with me.


That's why i made the decision to just be on aim when i feel like it or MSN and not hide. Why should I hide from the people who cut me out? I dont have anything really to hide, i am me, and being who I am is the most important thing.


And holy shit i'm sorry about the extent of this, but it felt damn good to get off my chest. Oh and by the way, here's all my information for the fun stuff. Email: livingderrision@gmail.com | MSN: livingderrision@hotmail.com | Y!M: livingderrision@Yahoo.com | AIM: livingderrision


Don't hesitate to get ahold of me somehow if you see me online. I figure i'm not going to hide anymore. What's the point if you're just going to live? Livings the better way to go